Tuesday, October 2, 2007
You're hearing it from all directions: "Quit smoking!" But the heck with that! You're going to smoke until the day you die, right? Here's how to "fight back" against the tyrants and authority establishment that is trying to make you quit.
First, you must never believe that quitting smoking is possible. On the contrary, no one has ever quit smoking. Once you've had one puff, you're hooked for life. Might as well just start smoking even if you only inhale some second-hand smoke. You see, if you believe you can quit smoking, then you might actually try to do something about it. Believing is the first, most important step to becoming an evil "non-smoker". So don't believe what you hear from anyone else. Don't believe your own gut-instinct that tells you that you do have the ability to quit. You don't! It's impossible! Forget it!
Second, don't set a date for quitting. The winners in life are the people who never plan their life. They just get lucky. Money falls from the sky whenever they need it. They get around to doing things "someday".
The losers in life spend time planning their day, planning their goals and dreams; planning, planning, planning. Don't do that! It's a waste of your time. You don't need to know when you are going to do anything. You'll be just fine letting life "happen" to you. Free love, man! Peace!
Don't set a date for quitting smoking. That way you'll never know when you should put the cigarettes down for the last time. That way you can just smoke one right after the other, with no thought of when you want to become smoke-free.
Third, to guarantee you'll never quit smoking, don't talk to your doctor about quitting. He or she will just give you a load of hogwash. They think they know everything, those doctors. They say smoking will shorten your life, make you sicker more often, cause sexual dysfunction, give you heart and lung disease, plus a whole bunch of other unsubstantiated claims. Everyone knows that smoking never hurt anyone.
Your doctor would try to offer you his professional advice, and maybe even try to prescribe some "helpful" medications for quitting. They go to school for a million years and all of a sudden these doctors think they can help heal people! Imagine. Oh sure, studies may show that smokers who consult with their physician are more likely to quit, but then everybody knows that no one every quit smoking, right? (See the first method, above.)
Fourth, don't exercise. Exercise is hard. You have to burn calories. You have to discipline yourself to move your muscles three or four times per week. You have to stop watching TV for 30 minutes. No way!
Stay seated and smoke another pack. Or two.
Exercise is good for you, they say. It can help you take your mind off smoking. It can relieve stress. But you have cigarettes to relieve stress, right?
Who wants to exercise when it gives you bulging muscles and a tone body? The "experts" will try to tell you that you might feel pretty good about yourself when you start to get in shape. You just might want to take better care of yourself and quit smoking. Your self-esteem will improve, your sleep will improve, your stamina will increase, your sense of purpose will rise, your weight will drop, your performance at work will improve. That's what the "experts" say. Nonsense. You're doing just fine right now, smoking your cigarettes on the couch, in front of the TV, right?
Finally, the fifth way to guarantee that you'll never quit smoking is to just give up trying to quit. Don't take any action toward quitting. It's not necessary. Oh sure, you've tried to quit before. Did it work? Of course not. So forget it. It's just not worth the effort. You're a slave to cigarettes.
You don't want to live five or ten years longer anyway, do you? No, quitting isn't possible. Quitting requires that you actually try. So don't try. Don't make plans to quit. Don't read about how to quit. Don't talk with your doctor. Don't learn from other smokers who quit. Don't try to quit cold turkey or to gradually reduce the number of cigarettes you smoke. Don't do any of that weird deep breathing stuff. Don't drink plenty of water. Don't exercise. Don't eat healthier foods. Don't try to find a quitting buddy. Don't remove all the ash trays and lighters and matches and cigarettes from your home and office and vehicle. Don't talk to strangers!
Face it, you're a smoker. You love smoking. You love the coughing and hacking. You love freezing to death when you have to smoke in the designated smoking area outside. You love being stared at every time you light a cigarette in public. You love spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars each year on your habit. You love smelling terrible. You love having bad breath. You love paying more for your insurance. You love spending time in the hospital.
Remaining a smoker is easy, now that you know the five simple ways to guarantee that you never quit smoking. Get started today (or whenever you feel like it--or never--see step 5)
Brought to you by the Good-For-You-And-Your-Children Tobacco Company.